An Email From My RA...

Random thoughts of the day:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
> think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell
> my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves
> me.
>
> Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
> realize you're wrong.
>
> I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
> have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
> sticks when they've invented the lighter?
>
> Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
> going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
> be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
> direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
> check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
> yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
> crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
>
> I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
> younger.
>
> The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
> recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
>
> Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work?
> You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix
> the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know
> how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or
> FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
>
> There is a great need for sarcasm font.
>
> Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
> suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first
> saw it.
>
> I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually
> becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
> 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
> laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
> bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
> only one who really, really gets it.
>
> How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
>
> I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
> take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
>
> I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
> your computer history if you die.
>
>
> The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
> finish a text.
>
> A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
> spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
>
> Was learning cursive really necessary?
>
> Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
> say".
>
> I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
>
> Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
> test is absolutely petrifying.
>
> My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.
> Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired
> about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."
> Classy, bro.
>
> Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
> I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
>
> How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
> and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
>
> I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
> to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
>
> While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
> instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
>
> MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5.
> Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
>
> Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
> person died.
>
> I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
> shower first and THEN turn on the water.
>
> Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
> and you can wear them forever.
>
> I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
>
> Bad decisions make good stories
>
> Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out th at their
> profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
> the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures?
> Don't mind if I do!
>
> Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every
> year?
>
> If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
> probably just be completely invisible.
>
> Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
> around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
> nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be
> a problem....
>
> You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
> when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
> productive for the rest of the day.
>
> Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVD s? I don't
> want to have to restart my collection.
>
> There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
> going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
>
> I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
> if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
> swear I did not make any changes to.
>
> "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
>
> I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
> TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
> me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching
> this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
> room. Will we still be friends after this?'
>
>
> I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
> Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times
> and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
> phone and run away?
>
> I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
> anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
>
> When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
> hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
> internet stalking.
>
> I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
> then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
>
> Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
> speed for pedophiles...
>
> As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
> but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
>
> Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
> know what time it is.
>
> It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
>
> I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
> answer when they call.
>
> I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I
> find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
> the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
>
> Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to
> with it.
>
> Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
> keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on
> the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze
> button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
> every time...
>
> My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
> happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
>
> It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
> link takes me to a video instead of text.
>
> I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
> drive behind obeys the speed limit.
>
> I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
>
> I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
> Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
>
> The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
> they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
> someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
> about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
> eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
> myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd
> before dinner.