Okay, so today I broke up with my boyfriend of 2years and 2 months... but i feel fine. not the fucked-up, INsecure, Emo fine, but the I feel okay fine... I mean, we been on this slippery slope...down hill of course, so I've been expecting to break up with him for a while. I was guna do it after the holidays tho b/c the holidays are sposed to be happy and stuff. Plus, his ex-broke up with him about 2 years ago...around xmas... I shoulda known it wasnt guna work out by how the relationship started. Anywhoo, moving on... Okay so, speaking of the DEVIL, his ex...yeah, she ruined him. Str8 up fucked him all over...the stupid slut. But anyway...im jus sayin this because I guess im jus now realizin that you really cant FIX a ruined man. I tried to, and it didnt work out. So now im single and ready to mingle... I thought id be heart broken... but im not. Im just a lil bitter sweet. Bitter because I did EVERYTHING a good... no FUCK good... a GREAT girl friend should do. I was there for him, in whatever he wanted to do, be it with the relationship or life wise, I supported him, I waited a year and a half for him to even ASK ME OUT!!! shit! If that doesnt say enough, what does? He was my first real relationship, my first love. We share the same habbits (dont drink, dont smoke) but not the same life goals (I will get married and have children, he wont). Im a go getter... im determined to be a lawyer and make my way to DA, I dont care how many years of schooling I need. He has settled for what career field he can go into with credits from fucking MC! I could go on forever...but i wont. I just dont understand how I gave him ALL my time, ALL my energy, ALL my love, ALL my everything... and got SHIT back in return... but it's w/e. I know that God puts people in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime...he wass just my reason, that stretched into a season. I honstly dont think it was sposed to go as far as it did. But what more can I say...idk... HE BETTER NOT CALL ME TONIGHT EITHER! shit...im a bitter mad angry black woman now... sike jkjk he's not guna ruin it for the next man, I wont let him... I really do hope that he finds someone that he's willing to change for one day tho... IDK y it wasnt me, guess im not pretty, young, or hispanic enough (like his ex... shes like 16...she was 14 when he dated her... and he was like 18... sick shit... i shoulda known! I SHOULDA KNOWN!!!) PS-sorry if there are any type-o's... im not in the editing mood...

Good Change. Bad Change.

Both unfamiliar with our surroundings, we tip toe through love land's
unknown. we were anxious to explore, yet cautiously avoiding routes of temptation
and lust.. attempting to lengthen our connection's innocence..
we proceed with caution into each other's lives.

as if "fragile, handle with care" was projected from my eyes, he gently lifts me above my doubts,
allowing him to receive the benefit of it.

destination unknown.

I smile, gazing above at the possiblities til a glimpse of reality shoots across the sky.
Leaning in to taste his promises I suddenly pull back.
Illegitimate concerns and fear enter my veins, spreading to the vessels of my heart.
"Put me down" I asked,
"Where did you think you were taking me? You're trying to take advantage
of my vulnerability, you see that I'm naive." though this was only my worries taking over me.
So I escaped back to the familiarity, structure, and repitition of pre-Love Land's life.
Fearing change of location.
Comfortable in my current being yet oblivious to opportunities outside of it.
Settling for okay, afraid extraordinary is non-existent.

He desires to search the land for change, for something less mechanic than the usual.
I tell him to continue his journey but he refuses to depart alone.
I tell him to find another co-pilot but he insists...

I must leave with him.

Now familiar with the prelude of our surroundings we walk a little less cautiously.
Taking one or two shortcuts down roads of infatuation and passion.
We return to the main road, attempting to regain our connection's innocence,
realizing we can never get it back.
now we're forced to proceed with a different form of caution
including contraceptives and control.
the "fragile, handle with care" fades to black as a new scene begins titled
"hurt me".
He lifts me above my doubts with his lies, allowing him to receive the best of me.
I smile again, gazing above at hollow possibilities til a glimpse of reality shoots across the sky.
I ignore the signs and lean in to taste his promises.
Legitimate concerns and fear didn't even brush my skin.
"Never put me down" I asked.
Giving him an open door to drop me, take advantage of my vulnerabilty.
Blinded by mislabeled love I blocked everything else out.
He was becoming my familiarity, structure, and repitition
and i feared change of location.
Comfortable with my current being yet oblivious to opportunities outside of him.
Settling for him, thinking there's nothing better.
Until the day he desires to search the land for change,
for something less mechanic than me.
I tell him I will go with him but he refuses to take me with him.
I tell him I'm the perfect co-pilot but he insists...

I must be left behind.

I fell from a high place into hologramic arms.
Leaving me landed, alone and bruised.


Sent from .:JaZz0:.'s T-Mobile Sidekick®

Livin' In Perfect Harmony

Today we're going to talk about the good stuff.

Love, relationships maybe some sex. You know, all that good stuff. I have a couple topics I want to discuss that have been heavy on my mind. These include, biracial couples, dating people with heavy accents, or dating a person that primarily speaks another language. I also want to hit the topics of liking the idea of someone verse actually liking them. That will also include someone having potential verse someone having something special. And last but def. not least.. dating athletes... Let's get it.

Bi-Racial Couples

He better get it.

Lol.

I have no problem with bi-racial couples. Matter fact, I want to marry an Asian man so my kids can look like Amerie. no suh, see that's the problem right there. I feel like some ghetto black broads date outside their race because they want their kids to have good hair and a nice complexion. I don't know about you but, that pisses me the fvck off. If you were to date outside your race, what would be your reasoning??

I know for me, I am actually attracted to guys of a lot of different races. I don't know how people can straight up say.. I only talk to white girls or I only talk to black and Spanish guys like.. You never know what is gonna appeal to your eye. And you def. never know what's gonna appeal to your heart. My roommate is always talking about how theres no such thing as liking only light skin black boys or only liking dark skin black boys. And she's right, maybe you usually pull light skin black boys or they catch your eye first but eventually there will be a dark skin boy that you find absolutely gorgeous. You can't limit yourself.

And I try not to limit myself but... It's like guys outside my race(s) don't take me seriously. We've all been through it. You approach a group of your caucasian associates and they all start trying to 'act black' "What's Up DAWG!" and they try to dap you up.. Or they try to 'act black' by saying "Shooot" or "Girrrrrl" and it's like you don't have to change they way you act because a black person has approached you. It pisses me off yo. Because what if I was genuinely interested in you. I can't even get past that interest because you feel like you can't be yourself, or have to be someone else when you're around me. Are black girls just too unapproachable? or intimidating?

Hell, sometimes I feel intimidated. A lot of people stick with their culture group. Hispanics tend to date hispanics [and stay with them forever] asians usually date asians.. And when I have a genuine attraction for either a hispanic guy or an asian guy I feel like even if they are being themselves around me, they'd never take it past the friendship level to anything serious because I'm not hispanic or asian or cape verdean. Is this true? Honestly with the hispanic and asian aspect of it.. Sometimes I feel inferior to the hispanic and asian females I'm 'competing' against [for lack of better words]. They're beautiful. Can a hispanic or asian guy see beauty in me, even though I'm not hispanic or Asian??

Maybe they think the same thing that I think about them. Maybe they're afraid that I don't date out of my culture. But hell, I don't know how anyone can look at me and say that. I'm mixed with so many things. Geez. Do you guys think I could bag a Hispanic or Asian guy tho?? How do I know if he's taking me seriously?

It shouldn't be about this. right? Like, we should like people for what they are inside and all that corny junk. But the truth is, attraction is the first step. I don't care what anyone says, relationships with people you aren't attracted to DON'T WORK! I've been there, tried that.

All of these black and white people dating each other are the beginning of a melting pot and soon enough everyone should be able to date everyone but right now I'm still intimidated when it comes to approaching a Hispanic or Asian guy.

Accents

I've always straight up said if I found a black guy with a British accent panties would drop immediately, not literally but you get the point. I think British accents are soooo HOT! And French guys with nice bods and long hair are hot too.. So I started making the generalization that guys with accents were hot. Boy, was I wrong.

Over the past few weeks, I have encountered two new accents. I met a kid from the Ivory Coast whose accent was mixed with a Boston accent and it was just... strange.
I also met a kid from Nigeria and it was just... gross..

What sucks is, they were both very attractive males but I couldn't get past the accent.
Am I shallow?

The fact that I can't get past something on the outside? I mean it's almost the same as the people that don't date outside their race or complexion. I don't date outside my accent with the exception of a hot British guy.
Would you be embarrassed of a guy or girl with a gross accent? Like, in public.

It's almost the same as dating a straight guy that's kind of.. flamboyant. You'd be a little embarrassed. Or dating a guy that couldn't dress... at all.

What's acceptable and what isn't. What do I need to get over and what requirements do I keep?
And seriously, am I shallow?

Different Language

This also goes back to the bi-racial thing and like how.. people of the same cultures tend to associate with each other. If you aren't a part of that culture and like, your boyfriend brings you to a family event or to like the meeting for the Korean club like, how do you know if people are talking shit when they're speaking Korean? Can I just state a fact, if you and the significant other don't speak the same language at all, it's not going to work, period. But I'm talking about if the other person speaks say, Spanish to his roommates or most of his friends. Wouldn't you feel left out?? Wouldn't it just make your insecurities worse or create concerns??

This isn't about language but like... How do you deal with it when you're significant other is like.. really nice ...to everyone. Opens doors, carries things, tutors, touches that spot on their lower back [not too high where it's just friends but not too low where it's I just want some ass. Hitch anyone?]. And how do you deal with it when all of his friends... that he's nice too... are GORGEOUS and awesome... Lol. I guess you just have to trust the fact that.. he's with you right. Meaning he made a choice to be with you.. when he could have chosen her. Right? Then why do guys cheat? Or have things on the side? Like, don't make it official if you have other prospective bun joints. Because once you make that commitment.. I'm trusting that you chose me. Right?

Liking Someone VS Liking the Idea of Them

I could argue about this topic for hours but basically, we all have an ideal girlfriend or boyfriend in mind right... Like I want my husband to be taller than me with my heels on.. Nice body, humorous, relationship with God, into performance, visual and fine arts, in touch with his emotions, confident, etc. So when I find someone that meets my criteria, I think I like them but really.. I just like the idea of them..

Someone that fits your criteria has potential.. Having potential doesn't mean that he's the one. It means he fits the criteria and he's convenient... There is a certain 'it' factor that one must have to be the one. He could also have 'it' and not have potential. There could be something about him that draws me in yet he could have a girlfriend, or dress weird, or be short.

My problem is deciding whether or not I actually like someone, or if I just like the idea of them. Do you have to like the idea of someone BEFORE you begin to like them?

I don't think so. I think you have to like the idea of someone before you get into a relationship with them but I don't think liking the idea of someone is a prerequisite for just liking them. I have liked the idea of a few people at BC but no one has 'it' yet. I've even begun to like some people that I like the idea of but still not 'it' factor. Am I wasting my time if I entertain these 'it'-less guys? Or should I just wait until I find someone with the 'it' factor??

Dating Athletes

you guys remember my article about dating freshman... I feel like when it comes to dating athletes, everyones the Freshmen.

Why do we classify athletes in such a separate category? Have their actions given themselves this rep or have our assumptions of them forced them to act this way?

I feel like I came to college with this huge mentality that every male athlete was going to be an asshole.. I feel like there are definitely a few male athletes that have proved me right but I also feel like I am witnessing the transformation.
Some of them start off as nice guys, but when bitties with raging hormones get athlete-happy what do they expect? To get treated like a lady? Oh yeah, here's my pussy on a platter. Athlete: no, no I can't accept that. YEAH RIGHT! It grows to the point that they expect pussy on a platter, from every female.. because SOO many females are handing it over. And when you're that girl that's like.. Suck your dick? What?! Nigha, hell no! You think he's an asshole because of how he approached you. And yes, i agree, he was out of place but, what did you expect when every other female is like "I'll do whatever you liike". Are there any athletes that don't transform?? Or are they all bound to be assholes...

By the way, as friends a lot of them are madd cool but I'm talking about relationship wise.


I asked a lot of questions..
So here they are conveniently posted again for your convenience lol.
You don't have to answer like all of them or anything, you don't get a grade for this or anything. I'm just interested in what other people think about this...


*1*If you were to date outside your race, what would be your reasoning?

*2*Are black girls just too unapproachable? or intimidating?

*3*Can a hispanic or asian guy see beauty in me, even though I'm not hispanic or Asian?

*4*Do you guys think I could bag a Hispanic or Asian guy tho?

*5*How do I know if he's taking me seriously?

*6*Am I shallow?

*7*What requirements are acceptable and what aren't. What do I need to get over and what requirements do I keep?

*8*If the other person speaks say, Spanish to his roommates or most of his friends. Wouldn't you feel left out?? Wouldn't it just make your insecurities worse or create concerns??

*9*How do you deal with it when you're significant other is really nice to all of his friends that are gorgeous and awesome?

*10*He made a choice to be with you.. when he could have chosen her. Right? Then why do guys cheat? Or have things on the side?

*11*Do you have to like the idea of someone BEFORE you begin to like them?

*12*Am I wasting my time if I entertain these 'it'-less guys? Or should I just wait until I find someone with the 'it' factor??

*13*Why do we classify athletes in such a separate category? Have their actions given themselves this rep or have our assumptions of them forced them to act this way?

*14*Are there any athletes that don't transform?


Totally forgot to ask about sex with people from other races and cultures... what's it like? is it much different? anyone have any crazy sex stories with people of other cultures? You can be anonymous if you want.

And if you haven't read season of love... please do.. you can click it..

....to remember

"i'll say congratulations then, i'll fade into the background"
-neyo

I was watching A Walk to Remember this weekend [[Yeah, I was bawlin for those of you that read my FB status]] and it made me think of HeartBreak [<-don't know who heart break is? youcan click that].
I mean, I wasn't a lukemia diagnosed dork on my death bed but I was a homeless yet college bound student that had to move away. So, Jamie and I shared that 'limited time' aspect of everything. And also like Jamie, I had a bucket list[don't know what that is? click it].
Before I left Maryland, there were a bunch of things I wanted to do and he knew every single one of them. He was my best friend before he was anything else. He cared a lot about me.
For those of you that know me, you know I'm pretty corny. I wanted to do things like, go to one of those pottery painting places and have a picnic. He made them happen. For those eight days, he was at my service giving me the best-last week in Maryland as possible.
I'm starting to see now that he would have done these things even if we didn't have feelings for each other. And I think that's partially where I got mixed up. These weren't acts of courting or any type of chivalry it was plain-old assistance. He just was helping me with my to-do list, if you think about it. I mean, I hate to dumb it down to that but, it's true!
Especially, now that I see him doing these things on his own with her. I wanted to be what she is to him so bad. Maybe too bad.

"I find myself wishing that you'd want to love again when looking in my eyes, wishing that my smile makes you wanna do surprises..." "I find myself thinking I can somehow prompt this change, thinking I can somehow save you from your past pain...."

I don't think I had ever felt so certain about anything in my life. It was crazy, the signs were there. Ridiculous signs, things that happen in movies. Shit that someone would have to have written for it to be possible. I just can't get over the fact that the signs were somehow wrong.
I know before in 'I Figured it Out'[wanna read it? click it] I said that I was probably placed in his life to assist him in moving on from his ex but I just can't get over it like... There was something there. It was so fvcking... like... it was definitly there, there's no denying. Was it just convenience? I don't know.
He called me yesterday. And I just sat there staring at the phone lighting up playing my Gym Class Heroes ringtone
"she says she loves me but she comes and goes as she pleases; when the door shuts, its like another papercut and im stuck with a hand full of band-aids until she comes back around like the ceiling fan blades"
I can't answer the phone. I mean, I could. I just didn't feel like being fake at the moment. I didn't feel like faking a smile, faking a laugh, acting like everything was alright, breathing in to utter the words, "how's [[gf's name here]] doing? oh, that's good".
I also didn't want to answer while I was around people, sounding as if I'm having an effin blast. I don't want him to think I've moved on, like he's totally out the picture. Don't get me wrong I moved on with my life socially but I can't deny the daily cameo of him, of us, of our memories together that arrive in my mind.
I have to suck it up.
I have to realize that I just don't exist ::in that way:: with him anymore. But speaking to him, is so hard to do without automatically assuming that position. One of the biggest things is talking about music. Him telling me about new songs, me doing the same for him. That was something special between us and it just isn't the same.
I wish I never accepted his friend request. Having him appear on my news feed is so tempting. And as I glide my mouse to the link I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Like, i know what could be on the page but clicking it just finalizes it for me. It rubs it in as well. Why do I even do that to myself? I don't like crying.
I don't know how Neyo does it.
I haven't been able to utter 'congratulations'
...yet
[[cop his album btw.. good shit]]

"She's with somebody else and now all I can do is smile and fade into the background
I'll say congratulations and I'll fade into the background"
-neyo 'Fade Into the Background'

[don't know that song? click it]

See Where I'm Coming From...

A lot of you probably think that last one was kinda random and that I'm
just being one of those "fuck love" females... but I wasn't always this
way... below is one of my favorite poems from DefPoetry Jam..

THIS TYPE LOVE - Shihan

**I want a love like me thinking of you, thinking of me, thinking of you
type love**
or me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to myself about
how I feel about you type love
or hating how jealous you are but loving how much you want me all to
yourself type love
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name.
And shit-
I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you and I barely
made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then wonder
if she's dreaming about us being in love type love
or who loves the other more or what she's doing at this exact moment or
slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts.
closing my eyes and imagining how a love so good could just hurt so much
when she's not there and shit,
I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this-
I wanna place those little post-it notes all around the house so she
never forgets how much I love her type love,
then not have enough ink in my pen to write all the love type love
and hope I make her feel as good as she makes me feel.
and I wanna deal with my friends making fun of me the way I made fun of
them when they went through the same kind of love type love
The only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school I wanna spend hours on the phone not saying
shit and then fall asleep and then wake up with her right next to me and
smell her all up in my covers type love.
and I wanna try counting the ways I love her then lose count in the
middle just so I could start all over again.
and I wanna celebrate one of those one-month anniversaries even though
they ain't really anniversaries but doing it just 'cause it makes her
happy type love.
and check this-
I wanna fall in love with the melody the phone plays when our numbers
dial in type love
and talk to you until I lose my breath, she leaves me breathless, but
with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me.
I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to
something that allows me to talk to her longer 'cause in all honesty, I
want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves.
**and I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are. I mean
the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love you as long as
I'd like to type love**.
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-stutter just thinking about how
strong this love is type love
and I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair. Well maybe
not all of the hair, maybe like I'd cut the split ends and trim my
mustache but it would still be a symbol of how strong my love is for
her.
I kind of feel comfortable now so I even be **fantasizin about walking
out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose
my memory, get transported to some third world country just to get
treated and somehow meet up again with you so I could fall in love with
you in a different language and see if it still feels the same type
love**
I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is.

Wasn't that cute? too bad guys aren't really like that... I found alll
these things I like wrote for him, lyrics, poems... just shit...

It hurts.
I have friends turning to me for advice, one friend just got dumped,
another one being the worst kinda lonely... and I can't help them
because I'm in the same boat.. I'm never in this boat. What.. the
fuck..

And is it weird that... the good times I had with him are enough to
say.. I'd do that shit all over again TWICE, even though it hurts that
much. the pain is worth it. and if crying every night and experiencing
continuos cameos of our memories is the price I have to pay for once
having him, then its worth the debt.
I just hope that next time,
I know that what I'm signing up before hand.
I hope I know the price.. beforehand.

an old poem I wrote that applies more than ever now...

tho were seperated by a handful of states
the distance doesn't compare
to how much I miss you when you're near,
but for me, you're not there
when you're beside me and I cant hold you
or have to stop my eyes, my mind, my lips
having to lurk my feelings in alleys
may be the worse way to 'miss'
having to think before I speak
having to censor the truth
having to hold back in midst of opportunity
having difficulty yet watching you
with ease forget or easily conceal
how you show and say you feel
my true goal is to never again have to hide
especially with our limited time..

ahhhhh he was great guys.
Sent from .:JaZz0:.'s T-Mobile Sidekick®

Love.

Man, love sucks.
Like.. no matter how good something seems
or as good as things are at first
they always go sour
always
without a doubt
and I've discovered that it isn't because guys are bad people
but its more because they're human
So, I'm looking for something to fall in love with.
I'm looking for something inhuman
something that can't hurt me
something that I can give my utmost love
something I can show that I am capable of loving
cuz guys
I have a lot to offer
I lot of love to offer
goooood lovin at that
and even when I've loved to the best of my abilities..
I've been let down
so I am going to show dance how much I love it
I am going to love dance unconditionally
whether its jazz tap ballet hip hop..
even that dumb ass shit I do on the football field..
I love dance
dance has always been there for me
in my times of need
when dudes have failed me
I could always head to an empty studio and dance
when I was going thru family drama
music always moved me to dance
dance isn't gonna hurt me

like he did

and if u think about it
keepin urself busy keeps ur minds off of things.
and if I become involved in enough things..
devote my life fully to God and dance..
he won't be on my mind as much.

somethin to think about.
...or not to think about.
Sent from .:JaZz0:.'s T-Mobile Sidekick®