daydreamer.

"my mind runs.
..i could never catch it even if i got a head start"
-Kid Cudi

Lock in with me right quick.

Have you ever daydreamed so hard that you have a vivid recollection of a moment that has not and may never happen? You can smell the cotton candy at the carnival or feel his hand on your thigh. You know the exact tone your mom would have or hear the exact song that will be playing when you ask him to dance..
I have some serious day dreams y'all.

The smallest thing can trigger my thoughts.



AND BOOM.

There I am creating a probable situation in my mind. Taking it chronologically to future depths I haven't even considered about my own life.
How can I imagine us waking up and getting ready for work? I know the suit you'd wear, I know what I would cook you for breakfast. I even know what our kitchen would look like.
And if I told that chick what I really thought about her outfit I know exactly how it would go down. What she would say in response, what smart alleck comment I'd have to say in respond, and how years later, I'm going to be hanging out with so and so and we still won't like each other.
See, these daydreams are safe. They're creative and they occupy time, but sometimes... I have other thoughts...

"how many of our daydreams would transform into nightmares
were there a chance of their coming true?..."

It's not even on purpose. I don't think I'm demonic or cynical. But I tend to panic.
If I tell someone to call me when they get home so that I know they're safe, and they don't... I start thinking of the exact way the accident went down. Whose fault it was, who the witnesses were. If the other people involved are okay or not.
Or if I call him on his birthday and he doesn't answer and everyone else in the family has tried to call too. And knowing that he has laringitis and lives alone makes me think what if? what if he... Who would know? Who would call the police?
And then I even think of my life without the person, what would I say if I spoke at their funeral? How would school be without them here and knowing that they passed away? Would they really be looking down on me, watching me? Or is heaven just a idea created for mental reassurance?
Would people look at me strange if I didn't cry?



I don't cry at funerals.
But if he passed away people would expect me to.
And all of his students would be crying.
And then they'd look for my tears.
They'd look for my despair and my pain.
But I wouldn't be able to lie to them.

I would be sad, no doubt.
I just believe they may have a closer relationship with him than I did,
and they wouldn't even know it.
Blood does not equal closeness.
I would be sad.
He is an extraordinary man.
But I would also remember that its no thanks to him that I'm here.
And that if he'd had his way...

..I wouldn't be here.

Then, I shake my head and realize that class is over. I can stop daydreaming now.
But my daydreams help me analyze feelings I never knew I had.
Grudges I never knew I'd keep.
Love I never knew I had for another.
and Bitterness that I thought blood overcame..




"SOMETIMES IS DAYDREAM ON PURPOSE, ITS MY ONLY ESCAPE FROM REALITY"