....to remember

"i'll say congratulations then, i'll fade into the background"
-neyo

I was watching A Walk to Remember this weekend [[Yeah, I was bawlin for those of you that read my FB status]] and it made me think of HeartBreak [<-don't know who heart break is? youcan click that].
I mean, I wasn't a lukemia diagnosed dork on my death bed but I was a homeless yet college bound student that had to move away. So, Jamie and I shared that 'limited time' aspect of everything. And also like Jamie, I had a bucket list[don't know what that is? click it].
Before I left Maryland, there were a bunch of things I wanted to do and he knew every single one of them. He was my best friend before he was anything else. He cared a lot about me.
For those of you that know me, you know I'm pretty corny. I wanted to do things like, go to one of those pottery painting places and have a picnic. He made them happen. For those eight days, he was at my service giving me the best-last week in Maryland as possible.
I'm starting to see now that he would have done these things even if we didn't have feelings for each other. And I think that's partially where I got mixed up. These weren't acts of courting or any type of chivalry it was plain-old assistance. He just was helping me with my to-do list, if you think about it. I mean, I hate to dumb it down to that but, it's true!
Especially, now that I see him doing these things on his own with her. I wanted to be what she is to him so bad. Maybe too bad.

"I find myself wishing that you'd want to love again when looking in my eyes, wishing that my smile makes you wanna do surprises..." "I find myself thinking I can somehow prompt this change, thinking I can somehow save you from your past pain...."

I don't think I had ever felt so certain about anything in my life. It was crazy, the signs were there. Ridiculous signs, things that happen in movies. Shit that someone would have to have written for it to be possible. I just can't get over the fact that the signs were somehow wrong.
I know before in 'I Figured it Out'[wanna read it? click it] I said that I was probably placed in his life to assist him in moving on from his ex but I just can't get over it like... There was something there. It was so fvcking... like... it was definitly there, there's no denying. Was it just convenience? I don't know.
He called me yesterday. And I just sat there staring at the phone lighting up playing my Gym Class Heroes ringtone
"she says she loves me but she comes and goes as she pleases; when the door shuts, its like another papercut and im stuck with a hand full of band-aids until she comes back around like the ceiling fan blades"
I can't answer the phone. I mean, I could. I just didn't feel like being fake at the moment. I didn't feel like faking a smile, faking a laugh, acting like everything was alright, breathing in to utter the words, "how's [[gf's name here]] doing? oh, that's good".
I also didn't want to answer while I was around people, sounding as if I'm having an effin blast. I don't want him to think I've moved on, like he's totally out the picture. Don't get me wrong I moved on with my life socially but I can't deny the daily cameo of him, of us, of our memories together that arrive in my mind.
I have to suck it up.
I have to realize that I just don't exist ::in that way:: with him anymore. But speaking to him, is so hard to do without automatically assuming that position. One of the biggest things is talking about music. Him telling me about new songs, me doing the same for him. That was something special between us and it just isn't the same.
I wish I never accepted his friend request. Having him appear on my news feed is so tempting. And as I glide my mouse to the link I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Like, i know what could be on the page but clicking it just finalizes it for me. It rubs it in as well. Why do I even do that to myself? I don't like crying.
I don't know how Neyo does it.
I haven't been able to utter 'congratulations'
...yet
[[cop his album btw.. good shit]]

"She's with somebody else and now all I can do is smile and fade into the background
I'll say congratulations and I'll fade into the background"
-neyo 'Fade Into the Background'

[don't know that song? click it]